Hi haven’t written here in a bit. Much has happened. The world has turned over at least twice (metaphorically speaking of course) since I last wrote here in August of last year. At that point, I had begun finishing my 300 hour courses again at Mira Costa, which included a business class, which just rocked.
I could tell you so much. But what I want to write about is how in order to grow we have to let go of so much. Let go of old ideas, feelings, things, and just be done with them. It’s hard to relinquish who ‘we think we are supposed to be,’ to become what our life is meant for when we are ready to step up-to-the-plate and take that swing that will bring us closer our inner being.
If you had told me two summers ago that that life would look like this now, I don’t think I would’ve have driven around looking at so many open houses. I don’t think I would’ve sat in my little backyard on the veranda area, with my back slumped into the chair as I looked endlessly at real estate homes just to pre-occupy my mind.
When our soul waits just like Sue Monk Kidd pondered in her book “When the Heart Waits,” there is something brewing from within that needs to come up and into the light, so we can free ourselves to find more peace. Here is a quote from that book, ” “If you can’t be still and wait, you can’t become what God created you to be.”
I read Sue’s book a few years ago and I had trouble identifying what she was talking about in this book, mainly because I hadn’t experienced what she was expressing. Of course, now I am just blown away by all of the wisdom, the vulnerable writing and how it so addressed and what I felt, too, when I began to ‘wait’ in some way, too.
“I was standing on the shifting ground of midlife, having come upon that time in life when one is summoned to an inner transformation, to a crossing over from one identity to another…” ~Sue Monk Kidd, “When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life’s Sacred Questions
There is no quick fix to self-help, soul seeking meaning, there is isn’t a place that you can visit like in the book “Eat Pray Love” (Elizabeth Brilliant Gilbert had a book deal when she tool that trip, she did not wonder aimlessly), that will bring you to that inner peace….well maybe for a bit, a minute, a moment a quick fix. However, when the plane lifts off and you descend back into your real world again, those moments become memories that can haunt you more than help.
You can only face yourself. discover a deeper inner wisdom that finally bubbles forth. A sweet, kind moment where you realize that this life is truly JUST A VAPOR, a mist and all that we know will be gone or could be tomorrow. This is IT. And somehow, finding that deep quiet place within my own heart that was waiting, I realized the ‘The View,’ right from where I was, wasn’t that bad,’ that if this is it, well then, thank you, M’am. Thank you, God for just that. I could swim out into the big sea and float, gazing up at the clouds on my back. I could dream of mountain cabins calling my name, I could keep finding new careers to sink my teeth into because, learning never gets old….
I could maybe just sit still on the bench under the tree and feel a quiet breeze, a MIST, offer up a moment of peace from within. All of the busy-ness, can never compare to that moment of SURRENDER, when you realize, right were you are is fine. You discover in your heart of hearts that you left a piece of your spirit under a rock in the back forty of a pasture that is no longer there. You left that part of you behind because life didn’t feel safe enough to surrender, to BE…
You look back at your time with each and every person you have met and you see the small miracle of gifts within each person, place and thing and you see that where you have been leading to your whole life is just to stand right where you are…
How incredibly beautiful is that? When you realize that all of those small meaningful nothing moments that felt unseen and forgotten were so beautiful then, too…just to be a live and to breathe. After waiting and going within my heart of hearts, I don’t want to overwhelm you dearest reader, but to find that there is so much, but so not, that what’s so real and perfect or just the moments now…nothing else.
Elizabeth Berg wrote a book that my younger self identified with as recognizing this ‘might happen to me, too.’ In “The Pull of the Moon,” Nan, the main character is forlorn and said, holding a rock in her hand to ground her in the middle of the night, and imagines Egyptian rocks and such to keep her mind going. Her back is turned away from her husband, Martin. She is scared to death and not knowing what of…the next day (or soon after) you find out through a series of letters written to her husband that Nan has left to go in search of something, if not herself, then more like to ponder, “What’s this whole journey been about, if I’m going to just be holding a rock tight in my hand
when I’m supposed to be sleeping peacefully next to my husband?” I am being flippant, but it’s somewhat the truth of of it. Nan goes in search of herself on a little Bed and Breakfast, motel/hotel hopping while she continues to write letters to Martin about what she is figuring out. You can feel the lost of time past in Nan, you can feel what she is missing, you can feel her searching for ‘Why Motherhood if you are just going to be left squeezing a rock in the dark of the night? And worse, it’s a secret because your are ashamed of your own feelings.’
“This is not a novel about a woman leaving home, but rather a human being finding her way back.”
That was me….
Now here I am on the other side. I sitting in my husband’s office with my dog, Doberman named Fortune, and I could tell you that I am so happy I have been a reader almost my entire life because it helps you figure out so much. Reading other stories and ideas on life have helped me see things so much more clearly…at least from where I am. Those two books, especially ‘Pull of the Moon,’ felt as if I could see inside a facet of what may come…
My son is now in Santa Barbara. I am doing yoga as much as I can in little ways, from practicing on the mat, to when I am filling my mini cooper up with gas, to when I am copying some documents in marketing, to when I am waiting to the bath to fill, lets just say I have found out where I am and it’s here. So I am making as many moments as I can count. I am still building dreams to the sky, but that restless feeling is gone. That need is gone to push back the BAMBOO from the other neighbor’s yard and understand more about them and to realize, I just want them to find ultimate love and happiness, too.
I’m going on here. I am. However, I am just going to end it with a beautiful quote that speaks directly to my soul, It’s Psalms 23:
23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
I am finding that green pasture and a place to love again, relax like I did when I was a kid, sitting on of the hood of the car, with my back against the windshield and my legs long, the hood is still warm and it feels good to be alive. Life is opening up to a viewed remembered. The one that cherished the light breeze, The Milky Way, The Big Dipper and the North Star, and it finally feels again to believe in the most shiniest perfect future.